Saturday, April 23, 2011

Am I blue???

I am in a deep deep depression today. I have slept most of the day away. I cried a few silent tears. Too sad to cry much. I have asked my self a hundred times "Why ?". Last night B and I had a serious talk. 2 difficult topics: his not driving after almost 7 years of knowing him and his son's visit this summer. He has decided to bring K to our house for his annual summer vacation. Despite the fact that we are dead brok, we have many debts to pay. B has made the decision despite his son not keeping in touch for the past 4 months since xmas. We had discussed the lack of money and the fact that we should not reward bad behavior. The kid called the other day and now his dad wants to bring him. I know he misses K. I do too. But I am upset tha he keeps doing this to us. To all of us. It hurts to spend time with the kid and when he leaves he forgets all of us exist. No calls, no texts, no FB mesages, nothing. We talk to him when he is here. We explain how hurtful and unfair he is being. He promises not to do it. But he does it again and again. I am tired of this game. I feel used and manipulated. I feel like a fool. I told B he and his son are the same. They both take advantage of my good nature and the fact that I love them. I said I feel used. He took great umbrage and said "Well if we are using you. Maybe me and my son should walk out of your life !" I was floored. I felt the big dagger slice thru my my stomach and come out my back. Ouch. That was a low blow I thought. So I replied: "do not threaten me. If you love me so little, then do it. Dont threaten me, just do it." That killed me. I felt the tears stream down my face. I felt that hollow pit in my stomach threaten to swallow me whole. I sat there stunned. I have been in a state of shock, anger, hurt and resentment ever since. I said a few choice words and left the bedroom. I took my box of kleenex, my water, the book and left. I moved to K's empty bed and settled in for a good cry. I read for a long time. I knew I would never sleep so I took a percocet. Eventually I slept. I awaoke this morning and did not want to get out of bed. I decided to cancel my Support Group and the Easter Brunch tomorrow. I could never face those people and my family. My heart feels like it broke into a million pieces last night. All day I have slept, cried and felt sad. I looked out the window at the sunny sky. It was beautiful and yet all I could think of was how lonely I feel in this world. No one really loves me. Not really. Bobby may tolerate me but not really love me as much as I love him. Or as much as I wish he loved me. Noone really needs me in their life. I kept thinking "Why am I alive? Why was I born? Why must I suffer all my life?" I wonder if God really hears me? Did he ever hear my prayers as a little girl? I doubt it. Did he hear my prayers as a teen? Not. In my 20s or 30s ? Not. I dont even trust Him. I feel all alone in the universe. Like the cover of the book "The Little Prince". Tonight I tried to tell B how hurt I feel. How devestated I feel. He feels he was insulted and so was his son. He feels justified. Yes, I said a hurtful thing to him. I believe he is stubborn and he has refused to learn to drive.Now I dont trust him. He knows how little I earn. He knows I could never cover the mortgage, the car, the insurance, my medicines, etc. I would be homeless, broke and alone. He knows this. I know that I feel very much alone in this world tonight.